I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
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