Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
