While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Randomize
