Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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