he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
