you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
