This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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