Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
