Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize
