I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
