fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
