Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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