I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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