What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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