Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
