I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
