all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
