I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Randomize
