So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
It's rum buckets o'clock
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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