I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
