So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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