I must be too annoying 4 u.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
