I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Vodka?
Forever.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
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