Do you still have your period?
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
