I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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