WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
it hurts more in the daytime
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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