every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize