We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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