I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Oh god it's open bar.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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