Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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