I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Randomize
