PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
