The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Randomize
