I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Randomize
