i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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