The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
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