from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
soo... how was my night?
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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