I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
