I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
