i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
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