Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize