Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
