You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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