I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
