Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
