You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Randomize
