***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
