8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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