if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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