I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
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