I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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