bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
