hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Randomize
