She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
