When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
