If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
