one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
